A few nights ago I went to bed annoyed with my husband. Want to know what he did that was so outrageously offensive? Let me replay it for you.
My hubby was working on his computer and I was watching The NZ Bachelor on demand. During the episode the bachelor took one of the contestants on a picnic date on top of the harbour bridge and she said “This is the BEST date I have EVER been on!” It was very romantic and I let out a big “awwwww” because gosh darn, it was just so cute. My hubby then turned around and SNORTED. Or scoffed. Whichever it was I’m sure it was accompanied by an eye roll.
Not only did he ruin the most romantic moment of the episode, but what he was also telling me through the puff of air that came sneering out of his nostrils was “Dates are for pussies!”
As I’m sitting on the couch in a huff my internal dialogue is on LOUD SPEAKER. He doesn’t think dates are important. He’d NEVER take ME up the harbour bridge. Why is he such a scrooge? We never have fun. WHY DID I MARRY HIM?!! etc
Anyone else feelin’ me right now? No? Just me??
Alright… so hubby went off to bed completely oblivious to the fact that I was angry with him and had a fabulous sleep. I however, tossed and turned all night replaying the awful snort over, and over again.
Morning arrived and I was still in the upset. Not only did he snort at me, but he hadn’t even noticed how upset I was about it. I was playing the “Guess what’s in my head” game and he didn’t want to play.
Still grumpy, I started folding the washing. As I was folding I saw something at the bottom of the basket. It was his wedding band that had probably fallen off while taking the laundry out of the dryer.
And it suddenly hit me like a slap in the face.
His wedding band was in the basket because he washes and dries a load of laundry every morning before he goes to work. He then lovingly takes the washing out of the dyer and brings it upstairs for folding. Sometimes that washing basket is still sitting there when he gets home from work and he folds it and puts it away without complaint. In fact, I’ve never heard my husband complain about doing the washing. Or the dishes. Or the Vacuuming. Or the romantic dates that I have not taken him on.
It’s ALWAYS ME.
Holy Crap. I am a jerk.
When our son Franklin was born, I kept a husband gratitude journal for a whole year where I recorded all of the small and wonderful things Tuks was doing for Franklin on a daily basis. I gave it to him on his first Fathers Day so that he would know how important he is and the difference he makes in our home. When I gave him that book it was magical for both of us.
Every single day, something went into that journal and what I quickly discovered was what I once viewed as ordinary became extraordinary when thought about intentionally throughout each day.
The little things I might have taken for granted in the past like doing the dishes, going to fill up my car with gas, setting up a cot or picking up a prescription – all became things that filled my heart with gratitude. One of the greatest benefits for me of keeping this gratitude journal was it served as a constant reminder of what makes my husband so amazing. Why, out of all the men in the world I chose to marry him.
I lost sight of those things this week. It happens so easily when I start focusing on myself. It really is that simple. When we become so concerned about ourselves, what we want and what is happening in our world, it can be so easy to spot what our partners or spouses are not doing for us or what we think they should be doing for us, and so blind to what they are doing. In order for me to see all of those beautiful things my husband was doing for our family, I had to focus on him, not myself.
And that’s the hard truth. It is not about me.
My hubby gets it, but I am still working on it.
I’ve had a flip through my hubby gratitude journal again today, and it’s reminded me that my marriage is so much bigger than this upset i’ve been holding on to. We are coming up to 6 years of marriage shortly and I intend to be married for much, much longer than that.
If I could have you remember one thing from this blog post, it would be this: Make the other person as happy as you can, because their happiness will add to yours. x