I dropped my little girl off to daycare last week and then sat in the car and cried. It wasn’t even her first day, she’s been going for two weeks.
But, here’s the thing.
I really want to be an entrepreneur. I want to make money from home. I also want to be a great mum. I want to be a great wife. I want ALL THE THINGS!
And there is nothing wrong with this, but there is a lot of shame that I carry around that.
For a while now I’ve realised I have a deeply rooted belief that I ‘should’ be at home with my kids full time. I feel like in order to be a good mum my kids deserve 100% of my time. What is best for them is for me to be their sole caregiver. Just writing this feels like total bull crap. I know it’s wrong, I have seen women who give 100% of their time to their children and as their kids grow up they become a total drag and it bites them in the ass and STILL, I carry this belief with me. It is what’s been told to me over and over again, through my family, at church and all that social programming.
This is why I have spent most of this year figuring out how to make money AND be home full time with my kids. Which by the way is impossible. It just doesn’t work. Mostly, I think, because I haven’t been spending my time in a way that is most aligned for me.You see, I just can’t play with my kids all day.I know plenty of women who can, and they absolutely love it. But I find when I go days of being at home with the kids, wearing only my mum hat, I start to feel claustrophobic and I begin looking for the out.
So I’ve chosen to put my little girl into day care for a couple of mornings each week. And now that I’ve chosen to give myself some space and time to work, to do something that makes me feel really whole and complete, I am feeling guilty. Which I also think is unavoidable in parenting. It’s like the midwife delivers your baby and dips them in guilt.
So while i don’t have any answers or solutions right now what I am holding on to are the things that I DO know. Which are:
1. My kids don’t do well unless I’m doing well. This is something that Kate Northrup has helped me to see. It is so much easier for me to connect with my kids when I am connected to myself. ( And for me connecting with myself IS doing my work because I’ve chosen work that is in line with my soul).
2. I believe that our children knew us and chose us before they came to earth. So whatever path we choose to take, they will be ok with that.
3. On an even deeper level I think these guilty feelings are also a form of self sabotage. I am afraid to be happily married, a great mum and a great entrepreneur because HOW DARE I be that fabulous and amazing. And I have a choice to own it all.
So there it is.
I’m slowly getting it. And it’s still hard.
Motherhood is freaking hard sometimes.
Does this resonate with you?
As always, I would love to hear from you if you have experienced similar feelings.